I have been sitting here, in my kitchen, for twenty-five minutes. The majority of that time has been spent contemplating which type of wine I can recommend for a Super Bowl party. The rest of that time has been spent being attacked by my perpetually lonely, and incessantly needy cat. As I sit here, blood trickling from the soon to be infected wound on my forearm, I have finally come to a conclusion, the answer is clear. You simply cannot drink wine at a Super Bowl party.
That is to say, you should not drink wine at a Super Bowl party. Of course you can drink wine at a Super Bowl party. It is physically possible to do so, no matter how damaging it is to you credibility. When I say you should not drink wine at the party, I am not trying to tell you how to act, I am simply suggesting that if a group of NFL fans invite you to their Super Bowl party, it is in your best interest to show up with either beer, or failing that, hard liquor. If you can show up with beer AND hard liquor, even better.
The heart of the matter is this. Watching the game with the boys is as much of a team sport as playing the game. If the entire team is slamming back Pilsners and crushing cans on their foreheads you do not want to be the guy discussing the tannin structure of a wonderful Tuscan you recently discovered. If you are that guy… then you’re off the team. Cut. Plain and simple. You will have to find another team next year. Perhaps a team that is more “accepting” of your choice in a Super Bowl beverage. And I have news for you. If you find that team, chances are you are no longer at a Super Bowl party. You are at a dinner party. And it is the kind of dinner party that does not take the game very seriously. If you are lucky, at that dinner party the game may just happen to be on a television. Most likely that television is in the next room, with no sound. The only sound you hear, is the sound of house music, supplying the soundtrack to your regret. Brutal.
But do you have to give up your good taste and settle on a case of Budweiser just to appease the jersey wearing set? No! I have a few suggestions for those of you whom, in the future, still wish to attend a real life, nacho eating, beer chugging, big screen watching, Super Bowl THROWDOWN, but still enjoy the finer things in life.
1. “Themed” Beers
Wine is out of the question so lets drink beer that we have never tried before, with a twist. As this year the Green Bay Packers are taking on the Pittsburg Steelers why not round up every beer you can find from those two cities. You know they have good beer in Pittsburg, I am pretty sausage is their state flower, so good beer should not be hard to find.
2. Drink mixed drinks from the “Super Bowl”
Find the largest chalice or fish bowl you can, label it “the Super Bowl”, and drink your favorite mixed drink or cocktail out of it all night. I suggest a novelty store, this thing needs to be BIG! Like as if we are talking about Bill Brasky BIG (pictured below). If you are drinking out of that thing all night, your solid.
3. Pull the crazy act.
If you can’t see yourself doing either of these and you feel you must, JUST MUST, drink wine at a Super Bowl party than here is my suggestion.
Wait for everyone to show up and then walk in to the center of the room. As you enter the center of the room make sure that you have the “crazy eye” on. If you can twitch an eyelid to make it look like an involuntary tick, than do it. (If you can’t twitch your eyelid properly than leave it out. Remember, people should not be thinking, “why is he blinking like that?” They should be thinking, “What the hell happened in this dude’s childhood?”) Now, it is important at this point that you remain completely silent. Pull from a paper bag a bottle of Jack Daniels. While removing the foil and cork from the bottle make sure to stare everyone directly in the eye, slowly moving from one partygoer to the next. Then when you are sure that you have the rooms attention, chug the entire bottle of Jack and smash the empty bottle on your face. NOT YOUR HEAD, YOUR FACE. Remember, STAY SILENT. At this point give everyone one last, long stare and proceed to open your bottle of wine. No one will be saying a damn thing about you drinking wine for the rest of the night. Guaranteed. In fact at some parties you may become their new God.
Your Welcome, enjoy the game, and go Packers.